From Luisa . . .

Hi Crystal, I had asked for this information before, but I did not get it on time for Mondays Bible Class. I believe that God Has put in my heart the importance of being free from the offense trap, for it is the basis that holds us back from loving people unconditionally because of hurts from offense. And loving others is the great command that covers all the law. And also I think the more insecure we are the more easily offended we are, So it's all tied together to keep us from being and doing what God wants us to be and do. I pray to God that we are alert to this trap that can keep us from God's best plan for our lives, and also to keep us from being the offenders, that we may be sensitive to others peoples feeling, for it can happen with out even realizing it. That makes us understand that many times people don't even know they have hurt us. May God make us secure, strong, lovers of people, pleasing God with every word every action every though. In Jesus Name I pray.
Love,
Luisa Rodriguez

You can read the transcripts on Mary Welchel's website at: ChristianWorkingWomen.Org

Click on any of the titles in blue if you'd like to go to the website and get the handouts that went along with each radio broadcast.

PROGRAM D-6096

They say there are two sides to every story when it comes to relationships and relationship struggles. We can sit in one of two seats, either in the seat of the offended or the seat of the offender.

I think you will agree that all of us have been in both of those seats; we have offended others, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not, and we have certainly been offended. But neither place is a good place to be; a mature Christian who desires to grow up in Christ doesn't want to spend any time at all in either place-either as the offended or the offender.

Let's look first at the offender. Offending others can either be intentional or unintentional. What would cause us to intentionally try to hurt someone? The first thing that comes to my mind is that we strike back at someone who has hurt us. We've been hurt, so we hurt back. This comes in big ways and small ways. For example, someone may have said one sentence to you today that hurt your feelings, and before you know it, you reacted with a stinger of your own. That's an offensive response to a small offense. The thing is, that can easily escalate to a long-term, hurtful cycle of offenses that each person inflicts on the other.

There are many marriages, as well as other close relationships, that have been in a cycle like this for years, where one small offense generates another in return, and that has become the norm for that relationship-each person offends because she or he is offended, and on it goes. What is needed is for one person in that relationship to be willing to break that cycle. This is why Jesus said, 'If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles' (Matthew 5:39-41).

Jesus is not advocating that we become floor mats for people to run over, but he is saying that if you will be willing to break the cycle, to be the one who refuses to return an offense for an offense, you can stop this hurtful cycle and you can find healing in the relationship. But someone has to decide to get out of the seat of the offender and not return evil for evil.

If you are in the offender's seat, I want to encourage you to decide to get out of it right now. It's really a miserable place to be.

PROGRAM D-6097

It is often true that when we do offend someone, it is unintentional. We don’t stop to realize how words and attitudes and body language and facial expressions—and all kinds of little things—can become offensive. We truly underestimate how easily we can cause hurt. Aren’t you usually shocked when you find out that someone is offended with something you said or did?

I was shocked some time ago when a person I counted as a good friend began to strike out at me, to say hurtful things to me. I just couldn’t figure out why she would do that; I had no idea that she had been offended by me. I certainly never intended to offend her. But as we began to talk and I listened between her lines, I realized that through carelessness and lack of appreciation on my part and lack of paying her some attention, she was carrying around a hurt spirit toward me, and that displayed itself in hurtful ways.

I had been sitting in the seat of the offender, and I was truly sorry to realize it. With some very small and simple changes on my part, the problem went away immediately and there was complete healing in the relationship.

We can cause hurt and offense much more easily than we ever realize. We assume that because we don’t intend to offend, then we haven’t offended. But that is just not the way it is. So, how do we know when we’ve offended someone unintentionally?

Well, the first thing is to pray that God will make you sensitive so that you are more aware of when you are sitting in the seat of the offender. Then watch your words. Most offense is caused by carelessly chosen words, so pray much that God will guard your words and make them words of life, not death.

When you see a change in a relationship—a change for the worse—don’t just let it go on that way. Find out why; be willing to make the first step toward repairing the relationship. Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” So, make the first move to find out what’s wrong, and if you need to, apologize and get yourself out of that seat of the offender.


PROGRAM D-6098

How can you break a cycle of hurt in a relationship? How do we get ourselves out of the offender’s seat and keep ourselves from getting into it?

Romans 12:10 tells us to: “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.” If we honestly tried to honor others above ourselves, that would keep us out of the seat of the offender, don’t you think? Honor is placing high value on someone or something. It means treating them as though they are very valuable.

Treating someone with honor means you say nice things to them; you give them first choice; you find out what they want and try to meet their needs. Just think of how we typically behave toward someone we honor or value or hold in high esteem. We listen to what they have to say; we treat them with respect; we are kind and considerate of them.

Another translation of Roman 12:10 says we are to outdo each other in showing honor. Notice that it doesn’t say treat others with honor if they deserve it—if they are honorable. No, we are to treat others with honor regardless—unconditional honor, if you please. If there is a relationship in your life that is strife-ridden, a person you truly have trouble getting along with, have you ever tried treating them with honor?

Maybe you’re thinking that you can’t do that if they don’t deserve it because that would be hypocritical—or because they don’t treat you with honor. But think about how God treats us with honor, with mercy and grace and love, even though we don’t deserve it. Shouldn’t that motivate us to want to give to others what God has extended to us—to bend the blessing back? And remember the principle of sowing and reaping; if you need honor, sow honor. If you need respect, sow respect. You reap what you sow.

The seat of the offender is an ugly place to be; treating someone with honor gets you out of that seat immediately.


PROGRAM D-6099

Quite honestly, most of us spend way too much time sitting in the offended seat, because we allow our feelings to be hurt so easily and we start throwing pity parties, so we get stuck in that seat. Maybe you’re thinking that someone else has the responsibility to get you out of that seat. You’re thinking that the person who hurt you, who offended you, should now come and do whatever is necessary to get you out of there.

But please clearly: There is nothing that anyone can do in the seat of the offender to get you out of the seat of the offended. If you are in the offended seat, it is because you are choosing to sit there. In fact, there are people in the seat of the offended who enjoy being there. They enjoy being a victim. After all, as long as you’re in the seat of the offended, you don’t have to take responsibility for anything you did in the seat of the offender. You can just keep shifting blame and having your pity parties—and spend your life in the offended seat.

I have to tell you that when you choose to keep sitting in the seat of the offended, it turns you into someone who is sour, unattractive, self-consumed and dishonoring to Christ. Now, I know that some of you have been hurt very deeply; the offense against you is deep and ingrained. Even so, God wants to deliver you from being the offended person, carrying that burden around with you all the time, wearing that chip on your shoulder. But you must be willing to give it up.

What does God say we should do when we’ve been offended?

Romans 12:14: Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.

We are to bless them, not slander them. Regardless of what they did to you, it pales in comparison to what your sin—and mine—did to the Son of God. Do you remember Jesus’ words on the cross—Father, forgive them? He blessed those who persecuted him. He gave us the model for how we are to treat those who hurt us.

Have you blessed people in the offender seat of your life? I mean literally prayed a blessing on them—asked God to bless them. That’s one way to get you out of the offended seat.

PROGRAM D-6100

Forgiveness is the way Jesus taught us to deal with those who offend us. But it’s not easy, is it? It’s not easy to forgive someone who has hurt us and has not even acknowledged that hurt, much less asked for forgiveness.

Remember that forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve our forgiveness simply means that we give up our right for revenge, and we turn them over to God, because vengeance belongs to God and he will repay. They will not get off scot-free. God will do what is right and just; you can count on it. I can’t tell you when, but I can assure you that someday every wrong will be made right.

If you’re unwilling to forgive those who have offended you, it is probably because of pride. That’s because when we’re hurt, we can start to elevate ourselves and think that we deserve to be treated with respect, and it’s wrong for others to offend us. Do you recognize the pride in that kind of thinking? It’s stinkin’ thinkin’!

I remember the story of a saint of old who was falsely accused in the newspaper of all kinds of wrongs. When he read it, his response was, “But they don’t know the half.” Instead of defending himself, he didn’t allow pride to cause him to get into the seat of the offended. You see, it’s hard to offend a truly humble person.

What do you do to get out of the seat of the offended? Romans 12:20 says: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” What does it mean to heap burning coals on his head? That is a quote from Proverbs 25, and the idea is that the burning coals do not damage them. They melt their hearts as metal can be melted by hot coals. Their hard-heartedness, stubbornness, their offensiveness will be melted by the generosity and compassion you show them by not returning evil for evil, but instead returning good for evil.

I ask you to examine yourself and see if you are sitting in the seat of the offender or the offended. You really don’t want to be in either one. You can be set free the very day you decide that you’re really tired of being offended, and you don’t want to offend others anymore.