Trusting God

Thank you ladies for your prayers Monday night. You are such a blessing to me. God is working to show me that He is there for me, waiting on me to reach out & trust Him in a way I have not been able to do before. This is not an easy thing for me, but at least I can finally see that much.

It's amazing to me that I can thoroughly trust him in some ways, such as to provide for my family financially, but have great difficulty trusting him in other ways, such as described on p. 73. The gap - the difference between the two - is becoming hugely apparent as I read our book & see how & why I have the insecurities that I do. I can't help but wonder if ultimately all of our insecurities, however big or small, stem from lack of full trust in God?

I have been praying that God will help me more fully trust Him. Now that I see this link between insecurities & trust in Him, I will expand my prayers to include you - my sisters in Christ - as well.

His blessings to you,
April

Urgent prayer request

Ladies, please pray for our friend, Lynn. She has a concealed handgun license in Texas, but she is being charged with a misdemeanor in Ohio for having a concealed handgun. Please pray as the Lord guides you.

~crystal

Seriously Intense. . .

Wow! What a bible study! I'm really not sure that I've ever been part of such an open, honest group. I pray for those of us who are affected by unforgiveness and insecurities caused by past hurts. Our God is good, He is faithful and I know that He will work all of these things for His good. Thank you dear sisters in Christ for your friendship, advice and love. I can't wait to see you in a few weeks! I'll miss you so =0)

I haven't been posting the prayer requests since we're all together when we say them . . . let me know if you'd like me to keep posting them.

in His love,
crystal

ch 5 thoughts

I'm on my third day of reading chapter 5 now. I've had to break it into parts, because it is so difficult for me to handle. It lists categories of reasons why we could face insecurity in our lives, and so far each one has been true for me. Talk about bringing up & rehashing old stuff hidden in the back closets of my mind!

Last night, right after I finished crying out to God in anguish over some of it, and asking him to send someone to me with a message of hope for me, my sister sent the following in an email to me. I just now read it - it did not occur to me last night to check my email - I thought the phone would ring...

"We all need to trust God more. Sometimes we are strong and sometimes we struggle, but He is always faithful. Remember Elijah. One day he is standing up to all the prophets of Baal and asking God to send down fire. God sends fire. The next day he is hiding from Queen Jezebel who has promised to kill him. God sends angels to minister to him, and God himself speaks to him and restores him to duty. God does the same for us. He is like a good father teaching his child to walk. When we walk by faith, He cheers us on. When we loose our faith(balance) and fall, he is there to help us up and encourage us to walk again!"

God is so very good!!! Saturday night I lost my spiritual balance, and Sunday morning God sent me messages of hope & encouragement & restoration, helping me to stand back up & start to walk with Him again. Sunday (last) night I fell again, and once again He helped me back up. Thank you, God!!!

If you have fallen, my hope is that God reaches His strong hand down to you & helps you stand & walk again with Him today with renewed faith!

See you tonight,
April

Thank you for your prayers.

Thank you so much for your prayers for Tracie and me. Our grandpa, Arnie Quay Neesmith, passed away this morning. My entire family is grateful for your prayers. I cannot even begin to explain how fervently I prayed that he wouldn't suffer for a long time . . . I just looked back to see how long we've known about the cancer . . . it's been 10 days!!! I'd say that is pretty quick. The best part is that he was completely coherent and aware up until Thursday morning. God is so good. Please pray for my family over the next few days. None of us are very close, and I haven't seen my cousins since high school. There are lots of tempers and feelings that are easily hurt in the family so pray that all of us would be loving toward one another. The viewing is Thursday evening and the funeral is Friday morning.

in His love,
crystal

Tracie just called. Our Grandpa may not make it through the night :(

Chapter 3 . . .

Wow! I can't even begin to say how much chapter 3 reverberated my own life and my own struggles. My life changed a year and a half ago when our obedient pastor hired Mark and I to lead worship at Living Word Church of the Bay Area. LWCBA has been a source of healing for Mark and I in our ministry. I love to volunteer and serve our precious Lord and Savior, but I felt as though we were constantly taking shots for all kinds of ridiculous things, and yes, I know that my perception was probably a bit off. Mark and I were both wounded due to our pasts and we needed to be loved and accepted as the imperfect servants we were. Anyway, our pastor, in his wisdom, has all of his leaders take a much longer version of this Gary Smalley personality test. Can I just say that every single word in my 28! page profile described me to a tee! It was a little creepy. I scored 100% otter . . . here is the description of the otter:

People who primarily reflect the "O" or "Otter" scale tend to be…
• Fun-loving and very verbal, they love groups, parties, and activity - and especially getting
to "Yak, Yak, Yak!"
• Otters like change and are fast-paced and spontaneous.
• They are usually creative and often "non-detail" oriented, which is why they start projects
at the latest possible time. When it comes to balancing the checkbook, they would prefer
to just switch banks!

I tell you this about myself because I want to explain the pain that being an otter has caused in many pivotal relationships in my past, especially with other women.

This is the phrase that set me free:

Crystal has a tendency to: • Be so enthusiastic that she can be seen as superficial.

That was the first sentence under my areas for improvement. So many friends have treated me exactly like that girl Beth talks about in chapter 3, the funny thing is that I have no idea how they could see me as someone who "has it all," especially when I used to feel like I was so very far from having it all. I'm pretty sure that I teared up when I read this part of my personality assessment. I cannot even begin to tell you how many people have accused me of being superficial. I remember telling someone once that I would apologize for who I was, but that I could never apologize for who I wasn't. The thing that scared me the most was that there were so many people who said this that I was clearly the common denominator. I prayed so hard that God would change me and that others would see my heart . . . until I read that sentence. I'm not exactly sure why it brought me so much freedom, but it did and I'm so thankful to Gary Smalley for coming up with such an amazing assessment.

I am now able to recognize this as part of my personality, part of the way God made me for the good things He intended me to do. There were a lot of positive things in that personality test, and it felt so good to recognize those attributes in myself. I was focused on the negative, and I ignored the positive. My prayer as we go through this journey is that we will recognize the positive attributes in ourselves, and maybe even begin to notice the negative attributes in those around us so that we can apply grace, love and forgiveness. i love you ladies and I very much look forward to next week!

in His love,
crystal

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda . . .

Tracie just called and told me that they are putting my grandpa on hospice care, which makes me happy that his suffering will hopefully be short, but sad at the same time. Where did all of the years go? Why did I stop visiting as often as I used to? I could have and should have made more of an effort to play an active role in his life in the nursing home, but I didn't. I am thankful that my children know him and that he knows my children. I'm thankful that God brought Laura into my life and gave her the desire to encourage me to visit my grandparents. I am thankful that my Jesus is my grandpa's Savior. God is so good to us.

I sang at my friend's grandpa's funeral the day I found out that my grandpa had cancer, which was surreal. Funny enough, I'm sure that day prepared me for my own grandpa's funeral. Friday, I'm singing at the same friend's grandma's funeral, can you imagine dying within a week of your spouse of however many years? What a blessing.

I'm sorry for those of you who have lost loved ones, and I'm sorry for those of you who will lose loved ones, but always remember that God is in control. When you feel lost and alone, He is there for you, in the good times and the bad times. Thank you guys for being my friend. Thank you for allowing me to vent. Thank you for the wonderful fellowship the other night.

in His love,
crystal

Thank You!

I just wanted to take a minute to thank all of you ladies at bible study for sharing your deepest insecurities with me and for trusting me with them. I love you all and hope that our season together is LONG!

I pray you all ENOUGH...
Love in Christ,
Lynn

OK, so yesterday I wrote out a long blog entry to you, then deleted it out of fear of your reaction...appropriate given our topic of study, LOL. I was just starting to read ch. 4 when it all hit me hard again, so here I am writing again!

ch 2, page 18, Beth writes: "...I realized that maybe I don't just doubt myself. Maybe I subconsciously doubt God for using me...I realized this morning that I not only lack security, I also lack faith. I don't just doubt myself, I also doubt God about myself. It was a revelation to me. Almost a horror. I wonder if you can relate."

I can relate. I've turned away from serving God several times because I knew I could not do it myself, and lacked faith in Him to help me with the task set before me!

OK, so next passage: ch 3, p. 42, Beth writes "Maybe this isn't a big revelation to you, but I am so thankful that at no time since I received Christ as Saviour have I ever been a total wreck. Partial? Lord have mercy, yes. Humiliatingly so. But total? Not on your ever-loving life."

I'm thinking here, actually, I have been a complete and total wreck a few times since the time I first received Jesus as Savior, then keep reading...

"And if He resides in you," she writes, "niether have you (Romans 8:9)."

Whoops - wait just a minute here. I beg to differ! Must look up Romans 8:9.

I did, and It made not a bit of sense to me, so I went back & started reading from the beginning of ch 8. (I'll let you read it for yourself.) By verse 5-6, I was thinking that I must have messed up so badly in my life that I completely pushed God out. He must must have given up on me, and I was no longer His child. Uh oh! But by verse 11, I realized that many times over God had rescued me from death of mind, spirit & body. God did not abandon me, even when I had tried to confine Him to a very small space within me, and mostly pushed Him away! Wow!!!

That is what I wrote so much about yesterday, after spending some time sobbing & thanking God for staying with me. Abandonment is a major insecurity of mine, but He did not abandon me, even at my worst. OK, so I'm sobbing all over again, just at the thought of it. He is so good!

Thanks for listening,
April

God's Love Forgives

God showed me through His precious word that we don't need (and won't necessarily receive) human forgiveness, but that He forgives all of our sin. One of the verses He showed me this week:

The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those that fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

-Psalm 103:8-14, NIV

Don't you just love David?! He had every reason for insecurities, yet he was strong in his faith that God would be faithful in His love, remember that we are mere dust, and forgive us all! Why do we worry about what people think of us, when it is God's opinion that ultimately matters?

I'm not saying at all that I am now immediately free from insecurities, or overnight in my sleep understood that to be true, but what a reassuring thing it is to realize that it is true!

(It occurs to me that in failing to "allow" God to forgive me for past sin, I once again put God in a box...and He once again showed me that He did not - would not - be contained in it...)

-April