OK, so yesterday I wrote out a long blog entry to you, then deleted it out of fear of your reaction...appropriate given our topic of study, LOL. I was just starting to read ch. 4 when it all hit me hard again, so here I am writing again!
ch 2, page 18, Beth writes: "...I realized that maybe I don't just doubt myself. Maybe I subconsciously doubt God for using me...I realized this morning that I not only lack security, I also lack faith. I don't just doubt myself, I also doubt God about myself. It was a revelation to me. Almost a horror. I wonder if you can relate."
I can relate. I've turned away from serving God several times because I knew I could not do it myself, and lacked faith in Him to help me with the task set before me!
OK, so next passage: ch 3, p. 42, Beth writes "Maybe this isn't a big revelation to you, but I am so thankful that at no time since I received Christ as Saviour have I ever been a total wreck. Partial? Lord have mercy, yes. Humiliatingly so. But total? Not on your ever-loving life."
I'm thinking here, actually, I have been a complete and total wreck a few times since the time I first received Jesus as Savior, then keep reading...
"And if He resides in you," she writes, "niether have you (Romans 8:9)."
Whoops - wait just a minute here. I beg to differ! Must look up Romans 8:9.
I did, and It made not a bit of sense to me, so I went back & started reading from the beginning of ch 8. (I'll let you read it for yourself.) By verse 5-6, I was thinking that I must have messed up so badly in my life that I completely pushed God out. He must must have given up on me, and I was no longer His child. Uh oh! But by verse 11, I realized that many times over God had rescued me from death of mind, spirit & body. God did not abandon me, even when I had tried to confine Him to a very small space within me, and mostly pushed Him away! Wow!!!
That is what I wrote so much about yesterday, after spending some time sobbing & thanking God for staying with me. Abandonment is a major insecurity of mine, but He did not abandon me, even at my worst. OK, so I'm sobbing all over again, just at the thought of it. He is so good!
Thanks for listening,
April
1 comment:
Amazing, April! I absolutely love your honesty. Please never ever erase a post out of fear. This is a safe and loving environment and I pray that you will overcome your fear (I also pray this for myself because I do struggle opening up to others so know that you're not alone in your struggles)
God is so good and I'm so glad that he revealed himself to you through His word . . . and isn't it great that you didn't get it until you went to His word to see what He meant for yourself? God is amazing and He will always give us the wisdom to understand and apply His word =0)
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